I always had this vision of what it would be like to be pregnant. Regardless of being overweight or thin, I'd have a glorious proud bump, feel my baby kick and just have that knowing that you're pregnant. You hear these stories about how when women do their pregnancy test, they already knew they were pregnant, well, it wasn't like that for me, quite the opposite.
I was just doing the test to prove the Dr wrong, I *knew* I wasn't pregnant, I'd been here several times before, each time convinced I was, then I'd get the negative test and my period that would ensue. But this time, I had a positive, yes I was happy, over the moon - but I was in shock, I hadn't felt pregnant.
When we look back, we can see I had all the symptoms:
- Very achy boobs
- Missed period(s)
- Off coffee
- Tiredness
- Loss of appetite
- Gone of most of my favourite foods
The list goes on... but I'd attributed that to all the crazy things going on in my life, like losing my brother, having the flu/chest infection/bad asthma and then all the tablets I was on to fix all those things (antibiotics, steroids, increased inhaler and to treat a bout of thrush, canasten (tablet)).
The next morning I did the 2nd pregnancy test that came with the one I bought, and it failed... it didn't give me a negative, but the test simply didn't work, and the control line (or any line) didn't light up. I went to work and told both my boss's that I was pregnant, but I felt like I was lying to them, and that feeling hasn't really left me. I thought I'd feel better after my 12 week dating scan.
I remember when she turned the screen to me to show me little Squidge, I reacted by saying "There is a baby!" and then "Oh my god" in utter amazement. I have the scan pics to prove he/she is there, but I still don't feel pregnant.
I worry about so many things, I worry about down syndrome, I worry that the canasten tablet I took will have a thalidomide effect on my unborn baby, I worry that because I'm very overweight, that they'll have some horrific defect or heart problem or something, I worry that because I'm vegetarian and I'm totally off quorn I'm not getting enough protein, and that'll really affect my baby... the list is endless. I know there's nothing I can do about it (other than bring more protein into my diet), and I guess I'll never stop worrying, ever...
I'm just counting down the days until my 20 week scan, then I can see that Squidge is still alive, and hope that the reason I haven't felt him/her kick yet is because it's still a bit early, or that my placenta is in front of the baby, I'll see that things are ok (or not) and be reassured that there's still a baby there. The crazy thing is, I've had no symptoms to tell me otherwise, I've not had any bleeding, no horrific pains other than stretching pains, it's all in my mind. I get this from my mum, she was a worrier. But sadly, because she's not with us anymore, I can't just call her up and ask her all of these burning questions I have.
The crazy thing is, I'm not at all worried about when the baby arrives, I know we'll cope, and I can't wait, it's the 'being pregnant worries' that keep me awake and keep my mind from being present.
I really hope these worries go away on the 27th May at my next scan... I'm not letting myself buy any of the big stuff (i.e. pram, cot, new carpet etc) until we know for sure that Squidge is ok at that scan.
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