I always had this vision of what it would be like to be pregnant. Regardless of being overweight or thin, I'd have a glorious proud bump, feel my baby kick and just have that knowing that you're pregnant. You hear these stories about how when women do their pregnancy test, they already knew they were pregnant, well, it wasn't like that for me, quite the opposite.
I was just doing the test to prove the Dr wrong, I *knew* I wasn't pregnant, I'd been here several times before, each time convinced I was, then I'd get the negative test and my period that would ensue. But this time, I had a positive, yes I was happy, over the moon - but I was in shock, I hadn't felt pregnant.
When we look back, we can see I had all the symptoms:
- Very achy boobs
- Missed period(s)
- Off coffee
- Tiredness
- Loss of appetite
- Gone of most of my favourite foods
The list goes on... but I'd attributed that to all the crazy things going on in my life, like losing my brother, having the flu/chest infection/bad asthma and then all the tablets I was on to fix all those things (antibiotics, steroids, increased inhaler and to treat a bout of thrush, canasten (tablet)).
The next morning I did the 2nd pregnancy test that came with the one I bought, and it failed... it didn't give me a negative, but the test simply didn't work, and the control line (or any line) didn't light up. I went to work and told both my boss's that I was pregnant, but I felt like I was lying to them, and that feeling hasn't really left me. I thought I'd feel better after my 12 week dating scan.
I remember when she turned the screen to me to show me little Squidge, I reacted by saying "There is a baby!" and then "Oh my god" in utter amazement. I have the scan pics to prove he/she is there, but I still don't feel pregnant.
I worry about so many things, I worry about down syndrome, I worry that the canasten tablet I took will have a thalidomide effect on my unborn baby, I worry that because I'm very overweight, that they'll have some horrific defect or heart problem or something, I worry that because I'm vegetarian and I'm totally off quorn I'm not getting enough protein, and that'll really affect my baby... the list is endless. I know there's nothing I can do about it (other than bring more protein into my diet), and I guess I'll never stop worrying, ever...
I'm just counting down the days until my 20 week scan, then I can see that Squidge is still alive, and hope that the reason I haven't felt him/her kick yet is because it's still a bit early, or that my placenta is in front of the baby, I'll see that things are ok (or not) and be reassured that there's still a baby there. The crazy thing is, I've had no symptoms to tell me otherwise, I've not had any bleeding, no horrific pains other than stretching pains, it's all in my mind. I get this from my mum, she was a worrier. But sadly, because she's not with us anymore, I can't just call her up and ask her all of these burning questions I have.
The crazy thing is, I'm not at all worried about when the baby arrives, I know we'll cope, and I can't wait, it's the 'being pregnant worries' that keep me awake and keep my mind from being present.
I really hope these worries go away on the 27th May at my next scan... I'm not letting myself buy any of the big stuff (i.e. pram, cot, new carpet etc) until we know for sure that Squidge is ok at that scan.
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ReplyDeleteI had no symptoms during my entire pregnancy. No sickness, tiredness, aches or pains! I thought I would have seeing as I was expecting twins, but nope nothing! Oh and when you do feel baby move, you'll know all about it! I don't think I felt ours move this early. I hope all goes well at your next scan, I'm sure it will xx
ReplyDeleteThanks lovely - yeah I know it's early, it's just frustrating when I see so many people feeling kicks, or flutters, I feel like if I feel that, I'll know they're ok and can relax - same if I had a discernable bump :P
DeleteThat's understandable and trust me when they're born, you'll worry even more about them! xx
DeleteYeah - I know that'll never end :)
DeleteAwww, i went through the worries too (if baby is ok) Its all natural and even though im 26weeks and hes kicking me like crazy, i still worry. Keep strong xxx
ReplyDeleteYeah that's natural (to still worry) I'm just hoping to worry a bit less when I can feel movement, and see he/she is ok in the scan :)
DeleteThe exact same as I felt!!!!! I completely understand how you feel, and it carried on the whole time I was pregnant until the day he was in my arms!!!! xxx
ReplyDeleteAww bless - yeah, I feel like my worrying is getting in the way of me enjoying the wonder of pregnancy a little :P
DeleteGetting to the 20 week scan feels like forever but you're very nearly there and soon you'll feel baby move too. Xx
ReplyDeleteI tried to comment on my ipad last night, but it just wasn't playing ball. Just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel. I felt the same, and having high anxiety didn't help either. I ended up hiring a fetal doppler from ebay and rehired it for a few months. I'm over weight too and didn't think I'd be so lucky with finding the heartbeat, but I found it at 10ish weeks. I know midwives and doctors don't really like people using them, but honestly it was the best thing I did to put my mind at ease. Hope you're feeling a bit better soon!
ReplyDeleteYou're bound to have some worries my lovely, we all do with pregnancy, but don't let it ruin you enjoying the fact you're pregnant and creating a beautiful new life! I know how you feel because since my daughter was born three weeks ago. I've experienced anxiety for the first time and it's not a nice thing. Try and focus on the positive and talk to people round about you about your worries who will be able to reassure you :) Hope you're ok! xx #binkylinky
ReplyDeleteI was terrified throughout my whole pregnancy, always waiting for the next scanor midwife appointment to hear the heartbeat. There were a few times I got myself in such a state. He wasn't really a 'kicker' so counting kicks in late pregnancy didn't work for us, just got me worried. It's natural to have worries but try to stay positive and just speak to your midwife about any worries in between appointments. X #binkylinky
ReplyDeleteI was just the same in my pregnancies, such a worrier! Nothing anyone can say will change that, just try to take time to enjoy some of your pregnancy as well #binkylinky
ReplyDeleteReally honest post. I've felt really similar to you and this is my third pregnancy. We are very sensitive during pregnancy and I think it's because we are programmed to do everything we can to protect this little baby inside us. If it helps my BMI isn't great, and I've got 2 healthy (slim!) children. I'm due of 20th May, and baby seems to be doing just fine in there. I'm hoping she's not too comfortable! Have faith your body can do this! Zx
ReplyDeleteHope you're feeling a bit better now hun. Thanks for linking up to the #binkylinky
ReplyDeleteAw bless you hun!
ReplyDeleteI think every single pregnant woman worries about something or another - I can def vouch for that! ;)
Lianne | TheBrunetteSays...
It's such a nerve wracking time, but you're nearly at 20 weeks and soon you'll feel baby move and it will put your mind at rest. #binkylinky
ReplyDeleteI think lots of pregnant women can totally relate to this feeling. I had my 20 week scan this week and I don't think it dawned on me just how worried I'd been until afterwards, when I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. It's inevitable to worry a bit, but try not to let it eat away at you as that won't do any of you any good. Easier said than done though, I know! x
ReplyDelete