My breastfeeding story

After reading Mother Distracted's blog post, I decided to share my breastfeeding story too - I have blogged my journey as it happened, but I thought I'd summarise it and explain the choices I made, and didn't make.

Before I had Squidge, I always had serene visions of us sat in his nursery, classical music playing on the radio, and us sat there in the middle of the night while he breastfed.  The reality was pretty far removed from this idyllic vision.

When he was born, he was really bunged up, and his little chin and tongue were pretty far back (without being actually tongue-tied).  He tried and tried but wasn't able to breastfeed.  In the couple of days after he was born when we were still in hospital, I had midwives come around a few times and try to help him latch on, but it just didn't happen - all that happened was he'd scream and scream.

Once we were home I'd try to breastfeed him several times a day, we even had breastfeeding support workers visit the house on several occasions - it was only with their support that we had successful feeds - and by successful, I mean he'd latch on - he'd still be hungry afterwards, and it was only if I was wearing a Medela nipple shield.

From the moment my milk came in (the day after we came home from the hospital - he was 3 days old) I expressed several times a day, and continued this for 2 months until my supply eventually dried up.  Yep, in theory I could have expressed more frequently to get my supply going again, but as he was awake and really quite needy, I found that I didn't have time to express.  I was still attempting to breastfeed him, but again, he wouldn't latch.

I persevered for as long as I could, and eventually I realised I needed to stop expressing.  I was lucky if I'd get 10ml from a half hour pumping session (using the Medela Swing), which I realised was totally fruitless - there wasn't even any point in keeping such a tiny quantity.

I quietly stopped, felt like a total failure and was really quite upset about it.  But I did feel good in knowing that he'd had the best start, even though he couldn't breastfeed, he still had all the milk I could produce/express to give him that protection he needed.

Since I stopped I've seen so many people talking about how shameful it is to feed babies formula, and that they should be breastfed, people being really rude and horrible calling people who feed their babies formula names like 'uneducated' and 'morons' - what so many people don't realise are the silent struggles we're going through, and how many of us would love to breastfeed but physically weren't able to.  Lets stop the shaming and accept that all mummies and daddies go through an incredibly difficult time when they have a new baby and that they'll be doing the best they can, for THEIR child.

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Breastfeeding update

Sleepy Squidge

About a month ago I blogged about the trouble I was having breastfeeding.  Squidge really struggles to latch on, and as a result he's fed a combination of expressed milk, and formula (Cow & Gate).

Well, being the kind of person I am, I was determined to keep trying and hopefully one day he'll learn how to do it (and me) and if it wasn't just because it's easier than making up a bottle and warming it up, it was also because it would help to increase my dwindling milk production when expressing milk.

Well last week was the week the hubby went back to work and Squidge and I were home alone.  I decided to keep trying and in the afternoons when he was starting to get hungry, I'd get the Medela nipple shield out and keep trying.

I think that we're finally starting to make some progress.  We've now had, what I would consider, two successful feeds.  By 'successful' I mean that he's latched on and fed for 15+ minutes.  He may still need a bottle after as my milk supply isn't great after the first express of the day, but he's been on the breast suckling for an extended period of time - for me, that's definitely a success!

I'm so happy that we're starting to get somewhere, even if it is baby steps.  I've found that it doesn't work if I try and breastfeed sat up in bed, I'm just not upright enough and he struggles, but if I'm sat on the sofa, with the boomerang pregnancy pillow to snuggle him as support, he does quite well. However, he doesn't latch on without the nipple shield, but I do keep trying just in case, as it can be a bit of a hassle having to clean and steralise it (just by pouring boiling water over it) when he's hungry.

So far so good, wish me luck and please do share in the comments below if you have any tips for me, I'm all ears when it comes to breastfeeding!

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Expressing diaries

Squidge wearing grown up clothes @ 20 days old

Since Squidge hasn't taken to breastfeeding, and I'm finding the experience very stressful, I've been expressing as much milk as I can instead. At least that way he's still getting the best milk, just via a bottle, and where I'm not able to make enough, we top up with formula.

A few days ago (Thursday) I had a visit from the midwife who warned me that my milk stocks will start depleting soon since I'm not breastfeeding.  Well, what I didn't expect was for me to start seeing that happen the same day... at the next express, where I'd normally comfortably get 100ml, I struggled to hit 50ml.  It's been the same since, the numbers keep going down and that's with me putting in more time during each session to try and get that same amount of milk.

This is where I took to Facebook to chat to my October mummies group, to see if anyone had any advice on whether it's possible to 1) increase how much milk I'm expressing, and 2) feed via expressing for as long as I want to.  That's where this awesome blog post was shared with me - it's given me the hope that I might be able to overcome my dwindling supply.

Since reading that I've started trying to express at night during Squidge's night feeds (something they recommend) and making sure I don't go more than 3 hours without expressing (if possible).  It's early days, but so far the numbers seem to be going up again, albeit it slowly, and with a lot of effort.  I used to express for 10 mins on each breast, but the advice the midwife gave me was for 10 mins on each breast, twice.  And that's what it's currently taking to get the quantity I did just a week ago.

I've also tried massaging the breast during expressing sessions, which seems to help encourage a little more milk out.  I've no idea how long it might take to get my stocks up to their previous quantity, but I hope it's not too long.

If you have any tips on keeping your supply up when expressing I'd love to hear them :)

Georgina <3
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Breastfeeding blues

Our first selfie

Before I had Squidge, I always assumed I'd breastfeed, after all 'breast is best' and all that.  It's a wonderful gift we can give our children and it's great for baby/mummy bonding.  What I didn't expect was the wave of emotion and struggle that I've had in trying to breastfeed Squidge.

He had a difficult delivery and was born with a low Apgar score, which did quickly recover to a full 10/10, but because of his difficult delivery, he was born with a lot of mucus which has made it hard for him to breathe and gave him a sore jaw/head/sinuses.  He's coped really well and barely ever grizzles because of it, but cup-feeding him formula from day 1 had never even entered my head.  I had idyllic visions of giving birth to him and him latching straight on, of us sitting in the feeding chair in his nursery during night feeds, listening to the radio and bonding.

The reality is very different.  Because he struggles to breathe through his nose, he can't really latch on to feed.  I've tried using a Medela nipple shield which has had limited success - he does succle with it but then moves his head so much he pulls it off and then can't feed which results in him screaming & crying.

Because I have such big boobs, breastfeeding is a 2 person job - I have to hold my boob in place as well as hold him, but it takes a second person to get him in place and help keep him awake. Surprisingly I was discharged from hospital, classed as a breastfeeder but without him actually ever latching on - apparently they shouldn't discharge you until they've seen him latch on.

It also took about 4/5 days for my supply to finally come in - and boy did I notice when it did!  My boobs have grown to at least another couple of cup sizes when they're full (i.e. in the morning) and get in desperate need of expressing, otherwise I leak all over the place.

One of the lovely breastfeeding support workers came over to the house a few days ago and is the only person to have success in getting him to latch, we literally haven't had any success since, despite many attempts and tears on my part.  She lent us a Medela small electric breast pump which has been a godsend - on the back of it's success and my inability to breastfeed, I'm investing in the Medela Swing breast pump which should be here any day.  I'm growing to accept that the only way for him to get my breast milk is for me to express as much as I can, and for him to be bottle fed.  But at the moment my supply can't keep up with his demands - I'm expressing about 150ml in the morning, and then throughout the day about another 250ml, but at the moment in each feed he's having about 100ml, so still needing to be topped up with formula (we're using the Cow & Gate one).

There's positives to him being fed by bottle, his Daddy gets to feed him too, which he loves doing. It's just not how I pictured everything... it's been an emotional rollercoaster for me, with many tears being shed by me and many stressful moments in the house trying to feed while Squidge is crying his eyes out needing dinner.

I hope he'll eventually latch on, we do keep trying but it's really difficult... I guess my biggest takeaway from this whole experience is to try and not hold on to ideals - it was the same with his delivery (more on that soon) and go with the flow to what best needs.

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